If you follow only one parenting tip, let it be this one: spend 15 minutes (phone free) with your child everyday.
Most of us have pretty busy and complicated lives. It can be easy to get caught up in everything and forget to stop and focus…. Especially on our children.
Here’s what… I’ll bet your kids notice. I’ll bet they can sense that you’re being pulled in a bunch of directions and away from them. They tell you they notice by meltdowns and tantrums. That might be a way of telling you, ‘hey! I need a little attention here!’
A former colleague of mine used to tell the story of how her daughter would sometimes grab her by the face… and, with cheeks gently in her hands, ask her mom to stop and look at her. Her daughter literally made this mother pause, and focus on her instead of everything else. She gave what was probably the best parenting tip she ever received.
(By the way, this colleague is a noted expert in child development. So don’t beat yourself up if you are still trying to get things right. We ALL need a little help with our parenting game… even the experts!)
The Power of 15 Minutes
There’s a great passage in Shonda Rhimes’ book “Year of Yes” that speaks to this very thing. Shonda Rhimes is a HUGE force in the television world. As producer of Grey’s Anatomy and creator of the mega-hit Bridgerton, she’s an incredibly busy woman. But even she finds a way to carve out a few minutes of focused time with her kids.
And it all started with a single question: “Wanna play?”
She describes an evening where she is about to head out to an evening of Hollywood fabulousness. Decked out in a designer dress, with a limo waiting outside her door, she was all set to be celebrated for yet another amazing accomplishment. But she stopped in her high-heeled tracks when her daughter asked her:
“Wanna play?”
Now… you’re probably thinking that she told the little girl she would play later when she got home. That there were places to go and people to see.
But that’s not what Shonda Rhimes did. Because she saw just how important this moment of connection was to her little girl, she stayed and played. She got down on the floor – yes, in the designer dress – played with dolls and even danced around to “Let it Go!”
And after just a few minutes, her daughter was like okay, we’re good. You can go to the party now. (I don’t think she said it, just made it clear she had gotten her mommy fill.) And off to the party she went.
Think about this for a moment. This big time player changed her entire night by two words uttered by an 8 yr old.
“Wanna play?”
It is important to remember that Shonda Rhimes has power. Power that allows her to make people wait for her. And while most of us do not have that kind of control of our lives… we do have 15 minutes. All of us.
So how can this parenting tip work for you in YOUR busy life?
Finding the time: Coming home from Work
Like everything in our lives, finding the time to do something can be tricky – even something as short as 15 minutes. To make sure this is something we build into our schedules, we need to be intentional.
One of the best ways is to make it a part of your coming home ritual. When you walk through the door from work, dedicate the first 15 minutes of being home to time with your kid(s). This is extra powerful, because it signals to them that, no matter how long you have been away, you can reconnect right away.
This may also be one of the few moments in your day that you can control. You can put all the demands on pause for these few minutes – and get back to whomever is looking for you when you’re done.
Think of it as a transition technique from the crazy at work. A time to catch YOUR breath – as well as connecting with your child(ren).
Finding the time: The Work From Home or Stay-at Home Parent
You may be home with your child for most of the day and are thinking – oh, we have these 15 minutes all the time! But, do you… really? Do you carve 15 minutes of fully focused time together? As with the parent who works outside of the home, find a time that can be part of your daily routine. Maybe it’s right after (or during) lunch. Maybe you plan a break from work or managing the home to put away the phone and give them your full attention… and then go back to the rest of your day.
Your 15 Minute Strategy
There are 3 things that distinguish this time from all the other times you are together.
1. Go totally phone-free
This is the most important part of this parenting tip. Keep your phone out of sight and out of mind so it isn’t a distraction. That means, putting it away where you can’t see or hear it – turning off the ringer or turning it over isn’t going to cut it.
Why? Research suggests that the mere presence of a phone can alter interactions with other people. Sherry Turkle, the author of “Reclaiming Conversation,” suggest that a phone draws our attention – even if it it is subconsciouslly. That we are always AWARE of the possibility that something might be happening on it. What’s fascinating (and scary) is that we reflect that awareness to the people we are with. They KNOW we are thinking about the phone – instead of thinking about them. It’s kind of like when you’re talking to someone at a party… and it’s clear that they want to talk to someone ELSE. You know how that that makes you feel? Well, that’s how people feel when you’re constantly thinking about your phone. So put it away.
2. Let them be the boss of the time
This isn’t the time you spend together getting things done, like bath time, or even your nightly reading time. These are a few minutes when you do what they want to do, when you follow their interests. That might mean you do like Shonda and sing “Let it Go” together. (Or, now it might be a rousing version of “We Don’t Talk About Bruno!” Or, maybe it’s getting on the floor and building block towers. Or join them as they finish watching their favorite TV show (yes, that would count too).
(You could have them help you prepare dinner… but ONLY if you can make it about time together with THEM. It may be too easy to slip into feeling like this is a ‘have to get done’ moment.)
Sometimes, it might be too hard for them to come up with something to do. When that happens, go ahead and make a few suggestions. Maybe you pull out some paper and crayons and draw together. You might just sit and talk about how each of your days went – what was something that made you laugh today or what wasn’t so fun. Or take a walk around the block.
Don’t make it formal. Don’t make it overly structured. Make it about time with THEM.
Click here for some ideas on what you can do together and tech free!
3. Consistency Matters
The final element is that you have to consistently show up. If you set up the expectation that they will get your attention for a few minutes of the day, and then you regularly bail – they’ll be really bummed out. This is not to say that there won’t be times when life gets in the way – it will. But when that happens, make sure you acknowledge the disappointment and try to find your 15 minutes later in the day.
It’s about the connection – NOT the time
Since you won’t have your phone, this may not matter. But if you are thinking that the time of 15 minutes is important it, it’s not really. So if you look at the clock and find the game of pirate ship takes up 13 minutes, do you have add two more minutes? You don’t. the 15 minutes is a guideline. For some kids, 10 minutes doing one activity may cut it.
15 minutes is more of a mindset than a rule. It’s a short amount of a time. And, most importantly, it’s a time that feels do-able. A time that we can all feel like we can find in even the busiest of schedules.
As with all parenting tips, focus on the intent behind the suggestion – in this case, giving your child focus and attention. Don’t get caught up in ‘process’ or rules.
WHY this strategy works
Build this 15 minutes into your day, and your time with your child will be so much easier. Simply because you have sent the message that “you are important to me.” You have shown them that THEY are a priority. You have demonstrated that everything else can wait… spending time together is what you are focused on.
Children need face-to-face time with the adults in their lives. It’s how they learn to so much about the world, themselves, and the people around them. Of course, we can’t always give them our full attention… because that’s not how life works. And the science shows that those breaks in attention are equally important. It’s how they learn to reconnect with another person.
And THAT’S the power in this parenting tip. 15 minutes that show the power of connection and REconnection.