Hold up… if your first thought is ‘Um, not DOING math ’cause I can’t do math,’ then you’re the perfect person for this tip. You’re probably thinking, how can I get my child to love doing their math activities, when I HATE doing math myself?! The reality is that so many of us (myself included!) think that math is some kind of foreign language that we just don’t get. But here’s the reality: we are ALL math people. Why? Because we ALL use math in our activities throughout the day:
Comparing sizes and amounts.
Calculating how much change to give to the cashier.
Measuring ingredients when we cook.
Figuring out how much time to set aside to get a task done.
See… you’re a math person!
How we set up our kids to struggle with math
Here’s what a lot of us do: we have our own ‘math baggage’ – our not so pleasant memories of learning about math in school – and we bring that to our children. We say things like – oh, I can’t do that because I don’t have a math brain or we give them a worksheet or app to play with and call that ‘math time.’ What we are signaling to them is that math is something special we do at special times (mostly related to school) and that only people with special skills can do it.
Perfect example: as I was searching for images to include with this post, I did a search for ‘math and kids’ and what comes up are a bunch of images of kids in schools, using computers, robots, or worksheets. This perspective of what math looks like is everywhere!
Now – here’s why this sets up our kids for disappointment and even failure down the road. If you go into math thinking this, what happens when it gets hard? Well, you do what a lot of us do: you think, ‘of course I can’t do it. I’m NOT a MATH PERSON!’ – and you give up. Isolate math like this and you are setting up your child to do the same!
Easy activities that build a positive math mindset
Instead of siphoning off math into its ‘special’ place, simply infuse it into EVERYTHING you do when you are with your kids. Try using these simple math activities with your preschoolers:
Count… everything. The eggs you take out of the refrigerator (I need 1, 2, 3 – 3 Eggs!). The steps you take up the staircase (1, 2, 3, 4, 5 – 5 steps up!) and then go backwards when you go down them (5, 4, 3, 2, 1!). The shoes and socks you put on your feet (1, 2 shoes and 1, 2 socks on my feet!) This is about YOU doing the counting, not them – don’t make it a quiz. The goal is to just show them how we counting works in our everyday activities.
Make Comparisons. It might not seem like it, but making comparisons is a part of math. When you figure out what is smaller/bigger, taller/shorter, hotter/colder, farther/closer you’re using some kind of system of measurement. Get your child involved in these calculations as you go about your routine activities – and even have them make predictions and then test their theories. (Examples – how many steps do you think it will take for us to get to the end of the block? Do you think it is warmer or colder than yesterday?)
Play with math & music. Counting beats and making rhythms is really just making patterns – which is, you guessed it, a math concept. Clap to the beats in the songs you are listening to – OR create your own musical patterns with instruments or even just your body (claps, stomps, jumps work great).
Look for shapes around you. There are shapes all around us – encourage your child to find them! And you can go one step farther by having your child explain to you why that shape is a triangle or rectangle. (And if you forget your basic shapes, here’s a handy guide you can use!)
Making your math activities fun – and not a ‘lesson’
There are tons of workbooks or apps available that promise to teach your child basic math skills. And you can find a zillion math activities for preschoolers on social media – but you usually need a bucket full of craft supplies at the ready to do them. There’s nothing really wrong with these methods
If you follow only one parenting tip, let it be this one: spend 15 minutes (phone free) with your child everyday.
Most of us have pretty busy and complicated lives. It can be easy to get caught up in everything and forget to stop and focus…. Especially on our children.
Here’s what… I’ll bet your kids notice. I’ll bet they can sense that you’re being pulled in a bunch of directions and away from them. They tell you they notice by meltdowns and tantrums. That might be a way of telling you, ‘hey! I need a little attention here!’
A former colleague of mine used to tell the story of how her daughter would sometimes grab her by the face… and, with cheeks gently in her hands, ask her mom to stop and look at her. Her daughter literally made this mother pause, and focus on her instead of everything else. She gave what was probably the best parenting tip she ever received.
(By the way, this colleague is a noted expert in child development. So don’t beat yourself up if you are still trying to get things right. We ALL need a little help with our parenting game… even the experts!)
The Power of 15 Minutes
There’s a great passage in Shonda Rhimes’ book “Year of Yes” that speaks to this very thing. Shonda Rhimes is a HUGE force in the television world. As producer of Grey’s Anatomy and creator of the mega-hit Bridgerton, she’s an incredibly busy woman. But even she finds a way to carve out a few minutes of focused time with her kids.
And it all started with a single question: “Wanna play?”
She describes an evening where she is about to head out to an evening of Hollywood fabulousness. Decked out in a designer dress, with a limo waiting outside her door, she was all set to be celebrated for yet another amazing accomplishment. But she stopped in her high-heeled tracks when her daughter asked her:
“Wanna play?”
Now… you’re probably thinking that she told the little girl she would play later when she got home. That there were places to go and people to see.
But that’s not what Shonda Rhimes did. Because she saw just how important this moment of connection was to her little girl, she stayed and played. She got down on the floor – yes, in the designer dress – played with dolls and even danced around to “Let it Go!”
And after just a few minutes, her daughter was like okay, we’re good. You can go to the party now. (I don’t think she said it, just made it clear she had gotten her mommy fill.) And off to the party she went.
Think about this for a moment. This big time player changed her entire night by two words uttered by an 8 yr old.
“Wanna play?”
It is important to remember that Shonda Rhimes has power. Power that allows her to make people wait for her. And while most of us do not have that kind of control of our lives… we do have 15 minutes. All of us.
So how can this parenting tip work for you in YOUR busy life?
Finding the time: Coming home from Work
Like everything in our lives, finding the time to do something can be tricky – even something as short as 15 minutes. To make sure this is something we build into our schedules, we need to be intentional.
One of the best ways is to make it a part of your coming home ritual. When you walk through the door from work, dedicate the first 15 minutes of being home to time with your kid(s). This is extra powerful, because it signals to them that, no matter how long you have been away, you can reconnect right away.
This may also be one of the few moments in your day that you can control. You can put all the demands on pause for these few minutes – and get back to whomever is looking for you when you’re done.
Think of it as a transition technique from the crazy at work. A time to catch YOUR breath – as well as connecting with your child(ren).
Finding the time: The Work From Home or Stay-at Home Parent
You may be home with your child for most of the day and are thinking – oh, we have these 15 minutes all the time! But, do you… really? Do you carve 15 minutes of fully focused time together? As with the parent who works outside of the home, find a time that can be part of your daily routine. Maybe it’s right after (or during) lunch. Maybe you plan a break from work or managing the home to put away the phone and give them your full attention… and then go back to the rest of your day.
Your 15 Minute Strategy
There are 3 things that distinguish this time from all the other times you are together.
1. Go totally phone-free
This is the most important part of this parenting tip. Keep your phone out of sight and out of mind so it isn’t a distraction. That means, putting it away where you can’t see or hear it – turning off the ringer or turning it over isn’t going to cut it.
Why? Research suggests that the mere presence of a phone can alter interactions with other people. Sherry Turkle, the author of “Reclaiming Conversation,” suggest that a phone draws our attention – even if it it is subconsciouslly. That we are always AWARE of the possibility that something might be happening on it. What’s fascinating (and scary) is that we reflect that awareness to the people we are with. They KNOW we are thinking about the phone – instead of thinking about them. It’s kind of like when you’re talking to someone at a party… and it’s clear that they want to talk to someone ELSE. You know how that that makes you feel? Well, that’s how people feel when you’re constantly thinking about your phone. So put it away.
2. Let them be the boss of the time
This isn’t the time you spend together getting things done, like bath time, or even your nightly reading time. These are a few minutes when you do what they want to do, when you follow their interests. That might mean you do like Shonda and sing “Let it Go” together. (Or, now it might be a rousing version of “We Don’t Talk About Bruno!” Or, maybe it’s getting on the floor and building block towers. Or join them as they finish watching their favorite TV show (yes, that would count too).
(You could have them help you prepare dinner… but ONLY if you can make it about time together with THEM. It may be too easy to slip into feeling like this is a ‘have to get done’ moment.)
Sometimes, it might be too hard for them to come up with something to do. When that happens, go ahead and make a few suggestions. Maybe you pull out some paper and crayons and draw together. You might just sit and talk about how each of your days went – what was something that made you laugh today or what wasn’t so fun. Or take a walk around the block.
Don’t make it formal. Don’t make it overly structured. Make it about time with THEM.
Click here for some ideas on what you can do together and tech free!
3. Consistency Matters
The final element is that you have to consistently show up. If you set up the expectation that they will get your attention for a few minutes of the day, and then you regularly bail – they’ll be really bummed out. This is not to say that there won’t be times when life gets in the way – it will. But when that happens, make sure you acknowledge the disappointment and try to find your 15 minutes later in the day.
It’s about the connection – NOT the time
Since you won’t have your phone, this may not matter. But if you are thinking that the time of 15 minutes is important it, it’s not really. So if you look at the clock and find the game of pirate ship takes up 13 minutes, do you have add two more minutes? You don’t. the 15 minutes is a guideline. For some kids, 10 minutes doing one activity may cut it.
15 minutes is more of a mindset than a rule. It’s a short amount of a time. And, most importantly, it’s a time that feels do-able. A time that we can all feel like we can find in even the busiest of schedules.
As with all parenting tips, focus on the intent behind the suggestion – in this case, giving your child focus and attention. Don’t get caught up in ‘process’ or rules.
WHY this strategy works
Build this 15 minutes into your day, and your time with your child will be so much easier. Simply because you have sent the message that “you are important to me.” You have shown them that THEY are a priority. You have demonstrated that everything else can wait… spending time together is what you are focused on.
Children need face-to-face time with the adults in their lives. It’s how they learn to so much about the world, themselves, and the people around them. Of course, we can’t always give them our full attention… because that’s not how life works. And the science shows that those breaks in attention are equally important. It’s how they learn to reconnect with another person.
And THAT’S the power in this parenting tip. 15 minutes that show the power of connection and REconnection.
Mastering the art of “Serve & Return” in conversations with your children is the best parenting practice you can do to connection and skills.
‘Serve and return’ is the responsive way in which you engage with your child. The back and forth where you listen and respond to each other.
Even if your child is preverbal, you do this… just use facial expressions and gestures.
These conversations help children learn:
Social skills – How to connect with another person by reading and responding to social cues.
Executive function skills – How to focus and take turns. They learn how to pause, let someone else say something, listen to that person, and THEN respond.
Language skills – A conversation puts words in context. This is a very effective way to teach new words… a much teaching tool than flashcards.
Thinking skills – If you’re having a conversation, you’re asking questions, sharing information, or exploring ideas. In other words, you are THINKING.
Confidence – They share their thoughts, you listen, and then share your own. This back and forth makes a child feel heard and engaged with. They have the opportunity to try out their own ideas in a safe and secure space.
Not sure what to say? Try these conversation starters:
How did you figure that out? Why do you think ( …that happened? …they did that? …there is so much traffic? …Zoey was so upset?) What do you think would happen if…?
Like the name suggests, see if you can make the conversation like a tennis game… serve, return, and then volley a few times. (For those of you that don’t know tennis, that just means keep hitting the ball back and forth!)
Game, Set, Match
These kinds of conversations are so powerful in all that they build in your child. The best part: you don’t need to prepare or buy anything, you can do them anywhere, and they don’t take up any extra time!
It’s the weekend (and a rainy one here on the east coast!) so it’s the perfect time to find a few moments of connection with your children.
Here are a few tech-free ideas that don’t take any time but build memories and can help a child feel valued.
They do require one thing: turn off the tech. And I’m not just talking about the phone or tablet you hand to them, I’m talking about YOUR phone. Take a few minutes and turn it off – maybe even put it in another room so you aren’t tempted to look at it (cause I know I always am!). Fully engage for just a few minutes… and make all the difference!
I’ve been thinking that as parents we should try to get rid of the phrase ‘keep them busy’ & swap it out for “keep them engaged.’
When we say ‘keep them busy,’ we’re really saying, ‘get them out of my hair!’ I have to get something done, like a doctor’s visit, a grocery store run or a call for work. How can I keep the kids occupied so I can do what I have to do?
The ‘quick fix’ that distracts them so they don’t distract ME.
BUT, what if we change our mindset & instead find something that will keep them ENGAGED. We get to the same goal, but do it with a little more intention and awareness of how THEY too can benefit.
When we’re trying to ‘keep them busy,’ we do things like hand over the phone & let it entertain them. But if we’re looking to ENGAGE them, we might try something that is a little less passive & instead gets them thinking.
At the grocery store it might look like a game of I Spy. While cooking dinner you can keep them engaged by helping do something like stir or set the table. If you have an important Zoom call you need to focus on, maybe set up a scavenger hunt or encourage them to build a blanket fort. And when dining out, hold off the on the iPad entertainment, & instead play the alphabet game or take out some crayons & see if you can guess what each other is drawing.
Of course, sometimes, you just gotta take the quick hit and hand them YouTube…because that’s life! But, on those moments where you have just a little bit more breathing space, try substituting ‘keep them engaged’ instead of ‘keep them busy.
You might that that tiny extra effort will be worth it because, not only are the activities likely to be more enriching, but they will also probably hold their attention longer than something you just hand to them keep them momentarily occupied.
This could be the hardest thing EVER! Because we all want the answers RIGHT AWAY.
Your child asks you a question about something you see in the world… ‘why is the sky blue?’ or ‘why don’t birds have hands?’
Or they ask something like ‘where did the dinosaurs go?’ or ‘how big is the biggest building in the world.’
You pull out your phone… throw a few key words into Google… and BOOM! Question asked, question answered… DONE!
But what if sometimes we skip Google and go a little old school analog. Instead of looking it up, you and your child(ren) try to FIGURE OUT the answer together – even if you already have a good idea of what it is.
This is a great way to get them to be ‘thinkers’ – to come up with their own theories on how the world works. (And, after a little time working it through, you can test that theory by looking it up – if they still really care about the RIGHT answer at that point.)
Even something as concrete as ‘how big is the biggest building in the world’ – where there is one answer – can be first played around with. You can ask, hmmm… do you think it’s as big as that big building in town or that giant skyscraper we saw when we visited that city last year? Maybe even get them thinking about, well, what does ‘biggest’ mean? Big like TALL or big like really, really wide or has the most people inside of it.
Google and the resources on the internet are amazing gifts… and learning how to use them effectively is a necessary part of modern life. But real thinking goes beyond google – and is all about being able to break down information and put it all back together again. This little trick can be a tiny step along that path.
